


You Find Yourself At A Loss

by candyquasar



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Implied Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-06-01 02:58:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6498109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/candyquasar/pseuds/candyquasar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Kanaya Maryam and before you met humans you thought that the quadrant system of romance was simple, efficient, and all-encompassing.Though you doubted the simplicity of romance before you met humans, it wasn’t until afterwards that you seriously question it and the quadrant system itself that you realized a few things.</p><p>Firstly, that while it is simple, you have a habit of over complicating things. This leads to seeing the quadrant system as lacking in terms and in parameters. You feel foolish for thinking something as complicated as romance could be simplified. You need more terms, more labels, to identify your feelings.These feelings you have are too complicated to be quantified within vague boundaries.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Find Yourself At A Loss

**Author's Note:**

> a vent fic about my insatiable need for labels that has been sitting in my folders since september. also lmao love that bpd kanaya feel. also cross-posted to tumblr 
> 
> http://kanayamaryams.tumblr.com/post/142483786489/

Your name is Kanaya Maryam and before you met humans you thought that the quadrant system of romance was simple, efficient, and all-encompassing.Though you doubted the simplicity of romance before you met humans, it wasn’t until afterwards that you seriously question it and the quadrant system itself that you realized a few things.

Firstly, that while it is simple, you have a habit of over complicating things. This leads to seeing the quadrant system as lacking in terms and in parameters. You feel foolish for thinking something as complicated as romance could be simplified. You need more terms, more labels, to identify your feelings.These feelings you have are too complicated to be quantified within vague boundaries.

Karkat probably thinks something similarly, but he has his mind more on the actions surrounding the over complication of romance, rather than the terms and rules. But you think in rules and labels, so when Karkat comes to you speaking of frustration with his romantic endeavors, you begin to put everything in boxes. He wants advice, help, he’s looking for an auspit you think. But he is not in the trembling, crumbling throes of a shaking kismesissitude, or attempting to manage the feelings of a potential blackrom suitor making advances on him (or vice versa). He is a sappy young troll relying on terrible fictional romance to guide him into a successful relationship with a member of a species that doesn’t quantify romance in the same way, nor use similar courting rituals.

You think this is within the realm of an auspistice, but it’s also not. It’s its own thing and it boggles your mind. You speak to Dave about it but you feel that he doesn’t quite have a grasp on why this bothers you so much. In essence, telling you that you’re getting a little worked up over something that doesn’t need working-up about. You feel that you could simply let things just exist but you are compulsed to make labels. You need to know where everything goes and how they fit into each other. In the end you decide to call the current relationship you have with Dave and Karkat a “pale auspistice”. You feel like you might be able to come up with something more accurate but at the moment you have neither a proper living soundboard to bounce ideas off of nor access to Alternian Internet archives to search through and use as references -considering the fact that the planet is gone alongside your species.

Secondly, and you feel it may just be you trying to rationalize your inability to just let things be simple, but the entrance of new variables into your lives (such being the humans) has made you realize that there are actually forms of romance that are uncategorized. You know in the back of your mind that things that fall under your first point (like “pale auspistice”) could be considered frivolous and perhaps you overthinking the boundaries and lines that separate romance and friendship. But the feelings that Karkat and… you have for the humans. They are something different.

You would honestly like advice on the matter but at the moment Karkat is wrapped up with his own feelings (even though they are similar nature) and you are a little nervous about admitting your complicated and conflicting feelings regarding your relationship with Rose.. to Rose. You worry that she may take it the wrong way.

You believe that humans are capable of feelings that would be defined by the quadrant system, you have no doubt of that. It has been implied in conversation with both Rose and Dave however, that these relationships might not be particularly healthy for humans, nor would work out well in the long run simply because of how humans approach romance and acceptable standards within relationships of any type. Though humans are capable of quadrant-defined feelings and relationships, their primary form of romance is something Other. It is a separate entity of its own.

It is like… a friend. But more than that, and you have difficulty conveying your thoughts on the matter. Like the moment when teasing stops being friendly, and starts being flirting, hints of red or black romantic feelings laced into their taunts. Rolled in with the feeling, the compulsion to protect and care for them, pacify and keep out of trouble. To mediate, to listen, to…to… it’s all of the feelings that you consider romantic rolled into one and more. It’s too much and not enough at all at once and you admit to being overwhelmed.

You think if Karkat wasn’t invested in the feeling at the moment he would provide some sort of counsel on the matter, using his ever-extensive knowledge of romance obtained from trashy novels and subpar cinema he would find some obscure term that fits as a label for the humans’ form of Other romance that you all seem to be wrapped in. But he’s in the same proverbial vinegar-marinated cucumber as you.

Thirdly, more so related to your constant hunger for labels and terms for identification than your analyzation of the complexity of romance -especially interspecies romance- is that with wanting more labels you have discovered others that seem frivolous and unnecessary. This has come up at random instances and you took the time, because of how it intrigues you, to sit everyone down to discuss it. It made the humans a tad uncomfortable, having to explain their seemingly useless social constructs to you, but you had a sense of vague satisfaction from them being the ones to receive such scrutiny for once.

They explained their sexualities and how they quantify it, and that it was looked at by society and you could be discriminated for it. That loving persons of multiple genders or of the same gender, could be looked down upon. You think that it is entirely ridiculous to have that sort of specificity on something such as who you are attracted to, particularly if it was applied to yourself and your culture. Applying human ideals of sexuality would mean labeling your sexuality for each quadrant, whether they be different or same across the board. You think its over complicated, and would rather leave it simply to that you love who you love and if that has a specific preference then so be it. Rose of course, points out the mirror to human sexuality in terms of unnecessary complexity- troll romance- as a retort to your hypocritical observation.

With such a lust for labels for yourself you don’t understand why the prospect that Rose and the humans have opened up for you is… unappealing. You don’t understand why you’re ravenous hunger for ways to identify yourself specifically stops at this one. You tell yourself that it is because it is based within their culture, it is outside your experience, but you don’t stop thinking about it. It drives you up a wall with how much you think about your labels and the potential things to identify as and the feeling of both having not enough and too much.


End file.
